- I am now 21, aka oooooold
 
- I think my ex boyfriend is looking for a get together. Messaged me asking if I'd like to go out for a coffee sometime (innocent enough) but panicked and thought I was ignoring him after I didn't reply after a day. Hmm. I wouldn't exactly mind it to be honest, but I know it wouldn't be good for either of us in the long run - the reality still would be that he's in London and I'm back here.

- College is good but stressful. I don't think I've worked this hard in my entire life. I've gone from being the laziest person in the class to the biggest art geek ever. Which is a good thing but odd - I always assumed I was genetically lazy but it turns out I just wasn't doing anything that inspired me enough to get off my arse and do some work.

- I am wondering what I would have been like if I'd gone to a state school. Some people at college (probably) insult me (I normally have my headphones in so I can't hear them) and give me filthy looks all the time, which I couldn't give a shit about really, but I have found myself thinking a little bit more about what I wear and how 'HELLO, PLEASE INSULT ME' it looks. One of my classmates said she loved what I wore and wished she had the courage and I kind of thought 'Huh?' but I can see how you could be scared into looking more mundane to be honest...especially when you're not old enough to have developed a thicker skin.

I've also been thinking about such things cause my Aunt and Uncle were being a tad snobby about what school they're going to send my cousin to - which basically means, in their words, 'somewhere with no chavs please'. Not sure how I feel about that. On one hand I know I went to a private school, but I feel like if my brother and I hadn't needed schools that taught English at a fluent standard in South America and a solid secondary schooling back in the UK while my Mum continued to work abroad, we might have been sent somewhere more normal. Private school isn't exactly idiot free after all...in fact, I think the habits you could pick up there (like thinking you're somehow better than everyone else cause of how much money you have, or that, actually the rest of the world can go fuck itself as long as Mummy and Daddy buy me that car I really want) could be a lot worse than those learnt in a more socially diverse place. After all, isn't that the real world? And isn't it better to let a child see reality rather than be wrapped up in cotton wool? I don't know really. I might have ended up being a completely different person if I hadn't gone to Frensham...I think I was weird well before I walked into that school, but on the other hand I am pretty sensitive and insecure once you strip me of all the protective layers so who knows...

- Am (also) annoyed that said Uncle and Aunt are putting so much importance on said cousin learning Spanish. I know they're probably just trying to 'connect' with me and my brother, but I sort of feel like my British family have mostly disliked my South American traits or those traits I get from my father. Like my argumentative nature, going to sleep ridiculously late etc, etc. and it feels a bit cheap to be all 'Hey Ellen being latin is really cool' when they don't really seem to appreciate what's behind it. And maybe I'm a bit selfish, like it's my background and my culture and I'm not sure I really want other people to think they can have Spanish GCSE and be a part of it? But that's mostly because I feel ike a Rey de Castro in a Board world sometimes, though I appreciate I might not feel that way if my fiesty Irish Grandma was still alive. I love my family, I really do, but I have this whole other side of me that I'm not sure they can ever really understand.

- To end on a cheery note: I am getting my hair done on Saturday a la 40s/50s as my last birthday present :D Can't wait...though my eyebrows seriously need some de-Frida Kahlo-ing if my fringe is getting shorter :S
 

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/8252894.stm

SQUEEEEE!!!!! <33333

I have a guaranteed place at Southampton College now! Woopty woop woop! One more interview to go and I can make my decision. God, it'll be such a relief to have finished with all the hard decision making over the past three months...I'm so royally sick of it. 
 
I'm still a bit teary and had a bit of a shite driving lesson today cause my mind was elsewhere but what can you do?...roll on college says I so that I can be working my arse off and not have time to think about sad things! I'm also in desperate need of some friends around here - I have one in Portsmouth and she's going on holiday soon...how depressing.

So I'm single again.

Went up to London to see Andrew and I think we were both in denial about why we were there for the first hour or so until we found the courage to bring it up. I never thought it would be this hard...I started to well up the minute I started talking about it - managed to hold the tears back until he left because he didn't want me to cry and be upset but I've been sobbing on and off ever since. I'm so glad I had my Mum with me on the train back home. Don't know what I would have done without her. Crying in public is bad enough, let alone being alone and feeling like everyone is staring at you. And it's even worse when I think about how he has no family at home and probably won't confide in anyone...he sent me a text while I was on the train saying 'I'll miss you' and it all started pouring out of me.

I know it was the right thing to do, and he agreed with me. Neither of us wanted this to end with us hating each other - and I think that would have been inevitable with the long distance and the two of us having very busy lives at the moment. But it feels so far from right, I just feel completely torn up inside about it. I'm fine until I remember what's happened and then I just start crying again. I am aboslutely dreading my driving lesson tomorrow. Last thing my instructor needs is me sobbing over hitting a curb or something equally ridiculous. 

Think I've really underestimated the role he's played in my life over the past year. This feels more horrible than I ever imagined.    


What's even worse is that the course I was supposed to be starting in September was canceled because they didn't have enough applicants, so I currently do not have a college place (I've applied for three that still have places so fingers crossed) and I might have given up my job, friends, city and boyfriend for absolutely fuck all. 

Seriously guys, wish me luck.   

If you told me a year ago that I'd be sad leaving my job selling pens in Debenhams, I would have laughed in your face, but now it actually comes to it I find myself getting teary on the tube reading the messages in my goodbye card. 

I guess it's not really the job I'll miss but the people I've met. I've had so many brilliant discussions with my work mates...talks about religion, race, random gossip. I really hope I manage to stay in touch with some of them - these two years in London have had a massive impact on my life and I am unlikely to ever forget them - even if I do come back to study next year. It was so weird walking out of there on Friday knowing I'd never have to sign in again or explain to someone why the Mont Blanc pens are so expensive. It feels sadder now I've had my leaving do though...the final nail in the coffin I guess. 

We went to Salsa Club (name self explanatory) for my leaving do, which I didn't plan. Not because I don't like it (I fucking love it!) but because I knew if we went there 1) we'd have to pay and some people might not want to do that and 2) I'd spend all night dancing and not chatting to my friends. Okay, so I guess they do technically dance but it's always in a corner, in a circle - and I prefer to do it properly. If I want to chat I'll go to a pub, and now I feel bad because I did exactly what I knew I would and danced the night away whilst spending barely any time with them. But what can I do? There's not much point in going to a Salsa club if you're not going to dance to some tunes and tease some men - and it's my culture, which I barely get to explore most of the time, so when it's right there in front of me I really seize it and enjoy it. 

Anyhow - it was fun regardless of if they think I'm a bitch or not.  I had a good time and it was my leaving do so I guess that's what counts. I hope. 

ALSO met the lovely Lydia today which was great :D Shame everyone else got sick/had work interviews but I guess that's the way it is. 

Oh, and last but not least my favorite comment from my goodbye card (written by my manager <3): 

To Ellen,

I didn't know you long but I'm missing you already
Every time I see John Barrowman in the nude I'll
think of you! 

Good luck, stay in touch, 

Love Tina xx 

     
Brilliant. Almost makes up for Torchwood being so god damned depressing this week!   

Couldn't get this quote out of my head last night - thinking about memorials and human beings judging before they really take the time to understand eachother, before they think about life in someone elses shoes.  

I was thinking about all the things quoted at MJ's memorial - from The Little Prince to Smile by Charlie Chaplin, this is what comes to mind for me:

Atticus Finch: I remember when my daddy gave me that gun. He told me that I should never point it at anything in the house; and that he'd rather I'd shoot at tin cans in the backyard. But he said that sooner or later he supposed the temptation to go after birds would be too much, and that I could shoot all the blue jays I wanted - if I could hit 'em; but to remember it was a sin to kill a mockingbird.
Jem: Why?
Atticus Finch: Well, I reckon because mockingbirds don't do anything but make music for us to enjoy. They don't eat people's gardens, don't nest in the corncrib, they don't do one thing but just sing their hearts out for us.

Wow...haven't been on here for a while. Life has been pretty dull...

I know it's predictable but I have come on here to rant yet again...about my ex. Why he felt the need to contact me and remind me I never texted him after Ed's birthday (where we spoke for the first time in a year) I don't know. I mean if you don't text someone when you said you might it probably means you don't want to talk to them, right? Urgh. And then he makes it sound like I needed to talk to him and he's doing me a HUGE favour. I hate the way he makes me feel like a stupid naive little girl.... 

But anyways - I sent him a pissy reply so hopefully he's taken the hint now.  Tried to bitch to Ed about it but I don't think men understand the damage they can do sometimes, ya know?

Anyhow...I'm a bit late on the Michael Jackson entries but it all still feels a bit weird, like I'm in the 70s and Elvis just died. I wonder if the press were this creepy back then? Apparently the latest is that Bubbles can't attend the funeral...I mean really. Scrapping the barrel for news there me thinks. Oh and then there's OK deciding to have a photo of him being taken to hospital on their front page. What is wrong with journalists? Cashing in on someone's death - no matter how famous - is just a bit gross....especially when it comes with an extra side of morbid.

Sad times...watching Jermaine Jackson (who must be the only celebrity to ever make an impression on me on celeb Big Brother) read out the statement broke my heart a little. I guess the lesson is that all the fame and fortune in the world can't ever make someone happy...not that anyone is ever going to learn that, of course.

Oh, and in more APALLING news my boyfriend told me he'd never seen the Thriller video. WHAT!? Some of the best times of my youth were spent trying to copy that dance whilst tipsy at Dinner Dances. Good times.   

From the lovely may000  to help me in my time of boredom <3 This is the classic game of choosing three celebrities and putting them into the marry, shag or throw of a cliff category.




Marry



George aka the Werewolf from Being Human. Mostly because he's the perfect combination of sweet and dangerous, he's you're lovely, down to earth, slightly geeky boy next door type for most of the month and then BAM! you get scary Werewolf. I think I might have a bit of a weakness for his Jewishness as well...don't ask me why.


Shag




Bradley James. Good God, do I really need to explain this!? Just look at the picture. Why not marry you ask? I'm a generous person, I wouldn't want to deprive anyone else of the experience.
 
Cliff



Lily Lazer. Okay, so I feel quite bad about this because my inner fifteen year old would hate me BUT in my defense May did say Lily Lazer which in my book really means Linde's alter ego. I guess the other two are just more appealing :(

Short summary for people who don't know who he is: Ex best friend who I shared a study with at college and who I lived with until last month. 


Last week I found out that he'd let the replacement tenant for his room move in before signing any kind of contract, and therefore putting my stuff, that was still in the flat, at risk. I contacted the landlord asap as I was concerned and angry that nobody had even told me what was going on. Fast forward to a week later and Duane calls me to ask me why I told the landlord but didn't speak to him, and in my mind the answer is pretty simple - why should I ask anything from someone who only gave me three weeks notice to move out and then didn't even tell me there was going to be a person living in the flat before the contracts were signed? I guess I was sick of being the nice one that put up with his arrogance, firstly thinking he could just fuck off before our contract was even done and secondly, thinking I wouldn't say anything if he let his replacement move in early. I think I mostly just wanted to prove that I'm not some kind of doormat.  

As you can imagine things got nastier from there. Issues were brought up from months ago and this is the one that got me the most: apparently I am not self reliant enough. What is his evidence for this you ask? Because I used to give him a goodnight hug every night and talk to him in this room. Okay, so maybe I'm crazy but I thought that was generally what best friends did? Futher more, I was no more clingy than I ever was at school and we were there for two years together - hugging all the bloody time and being nauseatingly like Will and Grace. Unfortunately for me he has turned into a total ice queen since he moved to London and seems to think emotions = weakness. I'll admit I am an emotional person who is passionate and loves her friends etc. but weak I am not. And, for the record, I am not the one living off Daddy's pay checks. He is. I'm the one who came here and got a job - and I don't have him to thank for that. 

My conclusion to him was that I didn't see the point in being in a friendship that was like a business transaction. I can get that from going to work. I want people in my life that I can share my problems with and not feel like they're judging me for it. The world is tough enough, let alone having to be strong and cold in front of your mates, the people who you are supposed to just be yourself around. I realised today that I never once confided in him when Deb was dying or even after she died (though I was crying myself to sleep at night for a while) because I knew he'd think I was weak, and that realisation really disgusts me. 

I'd be lying if I said it didn't get to me because it did, what he criticised is such a massive part of my personality that I now find myself questioning if other friends have found me nauseating in that way, or if maybe my whole perception of what a friendhip should be is wrong.

But even if he is right, I can't really be friends with someone who dislikes something so major about the way I am. Furthermore, it's not exactly something I'd like to change, cause being icy and 'strong' has made him a really ugly person to be around.     

 

I had a good old Latin selection come on the shuffle today and I thought I'd share with all of you. If you find trumpets offensive, look away now...

( Ser� porque aqu� no hablamos ingl�s... )

Is finding two of your boyfriends mates hotter than him wrong? I think yes. I mean, Johnny is a model so it's kinda fair game but Alex isn't by any means so now I feel kind of mean...and get this, he goes for dark haired and pale skin and was going on about a rockabily girl in Starbucks he attempted to chat up! God's testing me clearly.  

Hmm. 

Though he (the boyfriend) did bring my bi-sexuality up in front of his mates which hasn't endeared me to him. It's not something to brag about in a 'my girlfriend is more likely to have a threesome with me' kind of way, which isn't true anyways and he knows it. It just annoys me that he wants other people to think it is cause it makes him cool or something.  

But I'll forgive him cause he was drunk, no doubt.   

Just sent the contact details of the girl I've found to rent my room to the landlord. I don't think this is going to go well somehow.

At the moment I've decided they're going to say we need three people to move in to the flat at THE SAME TIME or none of us can go. Which is sad because I can't walk out with a bitchy swagger and a 'that'll teach you to fuck with me' look, but on the other hand if we all need replacements to move out then it means that I'm not going to be left alone cancelling bills and ripping my hair out in the process. I guess what I hate most is getting yelled at via email by the landlord - especially when none of this is my fault..but I can feel one of those coming. Yikes.

In other news I had a great time in Turkey - got chatted up almost every five minutes which did wonders for the ego, so much braver than English men which is code for YAY THEY WEREN'T ALL OLD AND GREASY! which is often the type I attract. OH and then when we got back a guy in ASDA (P.S he was hot too, NOT an ugly, pastey chav) checked me out with no make up on! SCORE!

Should I be being more cultural? I think yes.

It was lovely waking up to the Call to Prayer every morning and walking down little windy roads which you think will lead you nowhere yet lead you to the most fantastic places. And OMG the food. I'm telling you, there is no way I'd be able to stay a size 8/10 if I lived there...though the walks are pretty good exercise. I could eat my whole weight in baclava, seriously. And I've always wanted to go into a Mosque and I finally got to - I got awfully attached to my head scarfs - and the girls at work taught me some good techniques which was great, though I did ALMOST have a head scarf malfunction which my Mum just HAD to pap. She's mean.

I think that's about it...I PROMISE I'll get round to the video blog one of these days, real life just keeps intefeering plus I have no idea how to film on my camera. Silly Ellen.

I think I just got the closest thing to an apology I'm ever going to get from Duane. Apparently him and Mengxi are aiming to move out in a month, which - despite my paranoia - doesn't seem to be anything to do with me. He renewed the contract for this year, after all, when things between us were still a bit crappy, but I think this place is too expensive for all of us now and apparently his sister wants to come and stay in the summer and there's no room here really. Plus, all the crap he's accumulated in the sitting room, I'll never understand how he thought he'd fit it all into his tiny room. Even if it is something to do with me, I can't really talk considering I was thinking of moving out as well, though now I'm wondering if I should move out earlier. I could if Andrew let me stay with him until my course started. And it'd be easier to advertise the flat with three rooms vacant. Looks like I'm going to have to call my mother tomorrow so she can sort out my life for me again! Haha.   

But anyways, back to the apology - he said he was sorry things hadn't worked out and that, although I probably found it hard to believe, he still treasured me as a friend. He also said he'd always felt like he was nit picking and seemed to be sorry about that, which is a relief cause I always felt guilty and worried I wasn't cleaning well enough. It never occured to me that he might feel bad as well. And that's probably the biggest problem - you're stuck in your own ways but because the people you live with are your friends you feel guiltier about it than you would with people you don't care about. 

In Duane's words 'I think we're like Ross and Rachel, we just need a break!' For once I agree with him.   

So everyone at work heard about my attempts at Karaoke on Friday night. Embarissing. Though it was fun, and I would have regretted not having a go.  Besides, they all seemed quite complementary about it which is good, I'm glad I didn't break any eardrums. I sung That Don't Impress Me Much by Shania Twain (oh yes), Material Girl by Madonna, and last but not least Girls Just Wanna Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper. Good choices? I think yes! Though some amazing person sung It's All Coming Back to Me by Celine Dion and I was jealous.

I've been quite depressed lately. Febuary wasn't a good month for the good old mental health I don't think...I don't know if I should do anything about it, just see if it passes or whatever. If I go to a doctor I'll have to bring up my other two bad bouts of it I don't really want to be drugged up. Though I don't know, maybe if I can't solve it myself I'll go to someone. 

Having said that I'll probably feel fine tomorrow and feel like a total drama queen. Damn you mood swings! 

I don't even know what to say. I'm so shocked and yet Duane and I always used to have conversations about how unhappy you must have been. Now I just feel awful for all of it. And no matter how stupid, I feel us and others maybe made you feel like you were less than Alex, even though I've always said that it was a shame people couldn't see you were just as intelligent and outstanding, and I'm sure you would have gone far if you were still here with us. It breaks my heart that you couldn't confide in anyone, it really does - cause when I glance over your facebook profile it's clear how much everyone felt for you and how warm a person you were.

I'll always remember debating with you and you and Alex having sibling disputes - I even remember Nico and I debating together once when you and Alex were on the other team and it being quite a comical situation to say the least!

RIP Rory. 

I think it's time for me to jump on the bandwagon and do a video blog. Any objections? So questions, suggestions, things of that sort - tell me and I shall try my best to pop it in and make a fool of myself for all of you <3

Yes, more drama. Will it ever end!?




Right, so I walked into work today and, just out of curiosity, looked at the rota to see what hours I was working this week. I noticed that last week had been changed (which is a bit odd anyways as it's already passed) and guess what? My manager and my assistant manager are lying about their hours. Wendy, my manager, claims she's come in at 12.00 Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, yet I worked until 1.30 Monday and Tuesday and she was not in by the time I left on either of the days. On Wednesday I was in all day because of the cards fiasco and I was also going to see a film with Singh after work and she NEVER came in - so she just completely made up a shift there. On top of that, Singh (assistant manager)  supposedly came in at 9.00 am Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday when in actual fact he came in at 12.00 each one of those days. Now, maybe I seem pedantic - but when there are three of us having our hours cut I don't really appreciate management lying and getting paid for it, it's just ridiculous. 

My first thought was to email my area manager, because I just don't think they should be able to get away with it, but my Mum's just told me to keep my head down cause of the current economic climate and how they'll inevitably know it was me (I can't even be anonymous because the only reason I know they've lied is because I was in for three of the days that they worked on) so I don't know what to do now.

It's disgusting really cause I have no doubt they've done this, and put it in the rota folder for everyone to see, because they know/think everyone will be too scared to say anything. Which really makes my blood boil.

So any advice anyone? It really would be greatly appreciated because I have no idea what to do? Cheers.
 

Apart from that I just wish it would warm up a bit so I could wear more of my Spring clothes and I'm excited about Project Runway this week cause they have to design an outfit for a Drag Queen <3


( Valentine's Day Mush... )

Right, so I don't know why I hadn't written about this before, probably because it PAINS me. But also because I had quite a busy week last week and was quite distracted. Anyways - where do I begin....



Okay, so a week ago this Tuesday just gone I lost my wallet on the way back home from sainsbury's, and because the snow had been bad I wasn't due to get my new ones until yesterday, So I called up the courier company and changed the delivery address to my work address since I was going to be working all day and they said they needed ID and a signature to deliver the cards to me. The cards were supposed to be delivered between 9am and 5pm, it gets to 4:40 and I haven't heard anything - I call them at hourly intervals until about seven asking them what's going on and then they tell me they've been signed for. Well hang on a minute, I didn't sign for them so who did? Not only did that person not have ID but they most certainly weren't me either! So anyways, I run to both receptions and guess what, they haven't received anything - so I call the couriers again, very angry at this point, and ask them how the hell this has happened, they reply like all dumbass call centres and say 'I have no idea'. Brilliant. So anyways, then I have to call and cancel the cards AGAIN because I have no idea who could possibly have them at this point. I am weary and annoyed as Singh and I head off to the cinema.

I get home and guess what? My cards are on the table just inside the hall where all our mail is kept! AAAAAAARGH!

So yeah, annoyed dosen't even cover it at this point. I had to cut the cards I'd just been sent up and I'm told I'll be getting new ones in 3-4 days. To be honest, with Natwet's courier service I'm not feeling too optimistic. I did ask them if they could send them to one of their branches instead but they said they couldn't. SERIOUSLY!?

Urgh IDEK.


( More tales behind the cut... )

Just thought I'd do a silly little post about this weeks snow cause now it's almost all been washed away by rain, I can't believe it was there. Oh, and my Salisbury interview outfit cause I feel like being random.





( View from outside my window: )